We know that forgiveness can be the key to moving forward and being happier, but it’s not always easy to achieve. Emotions of hurt, betrayal, anger, and resentment can be overpowering and debilitating.
The fact that every negative emotion is hurting ourselves, rather than the person we’re unable to forgive, is not enough to overcome them.
Forgiving someone can feel like letting them off the hook, or condoning their behavior. So, what’s the answer? And what makes it easier for some people to forgive than others?
These Stepping Stones to Forgiveness are in two parts:
1. Finding the original references
2. The Due Justice Technique
Finding the Original References
Since we cannot experience anything for which we don’t already have a subconscious reference, finding those original references is key to making forgiveness easier.
Think about the person you wish you could forgive, right now. What is the worst thing about what they did?
For example, Debbie’s husband divorced her, and she hasn’t been able to forgive him. The worst thing, for her, is that he didn’t give her a chance to work it out. He refused to go for counselling, and by the time she knew there was anything wrong, he’d already made up his mind.
How does that feel? What emotions and feelings are there?
For Debbie, it was feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, along with a feeling of being trapped.
Step Three... Continue Reading: Stepping Stones to Forgiving the Unforgivable
I picked up the phone, and on the other end was someone who wanted to book me to sing for a corporate cabaret event. I was in my twenties, and working as a professional actress and singer.
Up until that point, I had been told what I would be paid for any particular job. The call should have been exciting, and I should have been feeling proud of myself. Instead, I ended up asking one of the most embarrassing questions I had ever asked (and I’d asked a few!).
“How much do you want to be paid?” he asked. A perfectly reasonable question from someone who is hiring a professional performer. I hesitated, and my mind went completely blank. Tumble-weed-blank. “How much do you want to pay me?” I asked.
Self-confidence is described by the Oxford dictionary as: “A feeling of trust in one’s abilities, qualities, and judgement.” And the key here is that, since it is self-confidence, no-one outside of you can give it to you.
No matter how much others praise and admire you; no matter how much others believe in you; if you don’t have the “evidence” inside you that proves you’re amazing, worthy, intelligent, talented, exceptional, it’s like pouring water into a jar without taking the lid off it.
Self-confidence is not something you can change on the surface. Pretending to be confident may work to a certain extent, but your subconscious contains evidence that proves you can’t trust your abilities, qualities, and judgement.
So, rather than trying to act confident, the reliable, permanent solution is to change the evidence! Change the evidence so that it proves you can trust your abilities, qualities and judgement!
Change that evidence, and you will automatically feel a natural, authentic, and empowering confidence in yourself.
How is Self-Confidence Determined?From birth, the subconscious is constantly interpreting experiences, and then filing the meaning of those experiences — based on previous experiences — to form a structure of who we are and how the world works.
Then, in every moment, the subconscious is ... Continue Reading: What is Self-Confidence? And How to Get More of it!
Have you ever felt overwhelmed, or like you can’t think straight? Here’s why — and how you can “reboot” your brain to enable you to think more clearly, more consistently.
Whenever you’re feeling any kind of negative emotion, your brain and body are in a level of the emergency “fight-freeze-flight” state.
This is the same state you would be in if your life was being threatened. Since the brain and body don’t know the difference between reality and imagination (ever felt fear while watching a scary movie?) — the same survival mechanism is triggered when you just think about something upsetting, stressful, or annoying, that is triggered when you are in physical danger.
One of the effects of this emergency state is the draining of blood from the prefrontal cortex of the brain, to the amygdala and extremities — for fighting or running away.
The prefrontal cortex is where you do your cognitive thinking: problem solving; strategizing; processing of information; negotiating; calculating; risk-assessment; and other higher-level thinking. These activities are not necessary for running away, fighting, or pretending to be dead!
Whenever you’re feeling stressed, you literally can’t think straight — because that part of your brain is effectively offline!
Rebooting Your Brain
This makes it a top priority to do whatever it takes ... Continue Reading: Reboot Your Brain for Clearer Thinking
Victim mentality is, in fact, a perfectly natural and automatic human development. Understanding how and why it develops is the key to freeing yourself from it, permanently.
What is “Victim Mentality”?
Living life from a victim mentality means seeing yourself as a victim, and at the mercy of people, circumstances, and events outside of you. It’s living life from a helpless, disempowered standpoint, and counting on the actions of others to change the issues and challenges you are facing.
For some, living from a victim mentality is part of their constant experience; for others, the state of victim mentality may come and go — depending on their current circumstances or emotional state.
What Causes Victim Mentality?
As humans, we are preprogrammed for identifying as victims. In fact, it is more natural and automatic to develop victim mentality than it is to escape it.
1. Human babies are born completely helpless. As infants, everything that happens to us, comes from outside of us, and we are completely dependent on those around us, to provide us with what we need, and to protect us.
2. From birth, every experience is interpreted by the subconscious, given meaning, and that meaning stored for future reference. These references form the structure of who we are and how the world works. It’s how we learn, unconsciously, how to survive in our environment.
3. As we grow, we become more independent, and gradually learn to “make things happen” for ourselves.
4. Since the subconscious has no ability to use logic or reason (the way the conscious mind does), while the conscious mind learns to ask for what it wants and express desires and disapproval, the subconscious is still referring to the “fact” that we are helpless and reliant on what’s outside of us. It is still referring to the “evidence” from previous experience, that what happens to us comes from outside of us, and what we need has to come from outside of us.
Why Doesn’t Everyone Sustain Victim Mentality?
Whether or not a person continues to live from a victim mentality will depend on what other experiences they’ve lived through — and, more importantly, how those experiences were interpreted by the subconscious.
If, for example... Continue Reading: What Causes Victim Mentality?
Feeling good is about more than just feeling good. And you have more control over how you feel in the moment than you may think!
The Physiological Effects of Emotions
All negative emotions are a level of the emergency fight-flight-freeze state.
During this emergency state (in other words, whenever you’re feeling any kind of negative emotion), stress chemicals are pumped into your body. The effects of these chemicals are what cause those negative feelings.
In addition to causing you to feel “bad” these stress chemicals also cause blood to drain from the prefrontal cortex of your brain (where you do your cognitive thinking) — which means that while you are feeling bad you are literally unable to think straight! That part of your brain is offline. This affects your judgement, your perception, and your ability to:
So, why is it easier to feel bad than it is to feel good?
The effects of stress chemicals are far more powerful and intense than the effects of “feel-good” chemicals. The reason for this is:
We’re designed for survival; and since stress chemicals are essential to survival in the moment (running away, fighting, pretending to be dead), while chemicals like oxytocin, serotonin, dopamine, and endorphins are not essential for escaping immediate physical danger, the effects of stress chemicals are stronger — to get, and keep, our attention.
This is why it’s easier to feel bad than good; it’s also why, when we start...
Continue Reading: https://medium.com/@odille/why-its-easier-to-feel-bad-than-good-10ab7fbcc027
"Do you ever have negative or self-critical thoughts pop up, seemingly of their own accord? Most of us feel we have no control over these “self-sabotaging” intrusions. Here’s a little change of perspective that can give you control, and empower you to change direction, effectively.
When negative or self-critical thoughts pop up, like: “I don’t know what to do” or “I’m not good enough” or “I never finish what I start”… or anything else you don’t want, you can choose to see it this way..." Continue Reading...